Emo is the new black.

Recently, I own a life.

A life which I am unsure of what it is leading to. My daily routine recently is to wake up at 12 or 1, and option 1, go for badminton, option 2, go lakeside and option 3, spontaneously decide where to go for dinner or a road trip and inform everyone and arrange transport and there goes we vroom vroom.

It somewhat turned me into a, carefree and whatever person. I’m more of a YES woman now. Usually when I decide to go somewhere, I do research, make sure I get my destination and route right before hopping into the car. Now, I google for objectives, which usually would be keywords such as Seremban Xiu Bao or Penang Har Mee, after I hopped into the car. That’s how much convenience my baby bb has brought me. My very must objective in life recently is FOOD, and only FOOD. That explains my increasing waistline. And please, do not remind me of it.

All I do in life, is to laugh out loud. I either entertain the others, or just do my hobby, which happens to be my forte, gossip. I know I’ve changed, but I couldn’t point out exactly how. All I know is that I prefer having fun more than worrying over unnecessary uncertainties in life. Rather than saying that I lost myself, I’d prefer to put it in another way. I’ve opened myself up with more options.

I am not sure if I should start worrying about the future. The future can be a long timeframe from now and it also can be just 2 months from now. I hate to drown myself in a pool of responsibilities, burdens and obligations as I am one with no assets but Santa, family, friends and my tiny lil brain. If the future is a long time from now, I can pull my shield off and remove all obligations away and not care about a single thing in life but myself. But if future is about 2 months from now, I need to make decisions. Having the opportunity to decide is a complication on its own, you either be happy of what you are being awarded with the right decision or have no one but yourself to blame when you do not agree with the outcome. Afterall, by substance or by legal, who is responsible for myself other than me?

I question myself, am I willing to confine myself with responsibilities and bear the sign of ‘I AM A SLAVE OF OBLIGATIONS. I AM A REPRESENTATIVE OF IMBALANCE’? I know this may be just the anxiety that fresh graduates usually have, but I can’t help but feel helpless. It is true that I feel much better without the binding tape tapered around me, but I am still, need to be independent. Even if I am unwilling to allow obligations to drag me behind, reality is just pure harsh, unless you are so rich that you can change the rule of how things work, you just have to cope up with it.

Question now is, what do I want in life?

I couldn’t agree more if you say I want too much in life. I know I want alot of things. I want to own a happy family, I want a highly respected career, I want to go on vacation every year, I want to have high amount of savings in the accounts, I want to be a social butterfly, I want to look good and I want others to feel good about me. I am not shameful of how much I want in life. I always feel that I have something important and great to do to make this world a better place. I always feel like I should not be just a Plain Jane. I believe I meant for more. I should serve for higher function other than this. I need opportunities. But shamefully, I’m not searching for it, I’m merely waiting for it. Upon acknowledging this, I am still doing nothing.

Then, upon knowing my own flaw, I seek for excuse.

If doomsday in 2012 is true, why am I even spending my precious time doubting myself?

The cycle then repeat on its own. I complain, I frown, I sad, I emo, I think of 2012, I relieved, I happy, I tired, I complain, I frown, I sad and the list goes on and on.

This is a long windy highway. Someone should just plant a sign board somewhere on the road. Even when I do not know where my destination is, yet. I guess I will figure it out sooner or later. I just hope that I do not make a wrong turn, taking the route leading to a dead end.