Chameleon

It's another weekend. Finally I could find myself a peaceful day to breathe through and think things thru. However, I'm starting to find myself in a rather contradicting situation. I look forward to weekdays during weekends and I can't wait for weekends to come during weekdays. Well, I think it works the way just like the theory of hair length. When my hair is dreadfully short, I tried my best to shower for more than once everyday just because I heard that hair shampoos encourages hair growth. And when my hair is long, I can't help but tie a ponytail on it just because I find its length annoying, blocking my eyesight. And I miss my short and lengzai hair so much. Speaking of it, hmmmmm... AHA! Here it is!

Well as I was saying, during weekdays, when I have to work, I'd hafta follow my set of routine which includes everything sucky. First of all, I'm a nocturnal being, and I can be awake at night, or even sleep in the morning without yawning for once. Opposing to that, I hafta struggle to pull myself out of bed, every single morning. It's a war between my mind and body, with invisible forms of dagger slashing between the two. But I must say that I'm lucky to have stuffs to keep myself busy with during working hours, and when I say busy, I really mean busy. I still can breathe but I can't slack. No, noone is monitoring me, I have my own office and I ada authority and empowerment. Actually, I kinda enjoy working. I like to keep myself busy with unfinished work tasks. My office table is always in a form of chaos because of my long to-do lists which adds up every single day. To tell the truth, this makes me feel like I'm alive and functioning! I love my job so far. But well, after work, my identity fades off. I'm even lazy to join parties! That's so UN-ME! Sigh. Guess I still hafta seek the balance between work and life. Will I pick it up sooner or later when I can get a better hold of ways to spend my time? I hope so.

Sometimes I feel like reaching out for breakthrough. Like once, I really really felt like buying an airticket to Aussie, give my dahleng Pei a msg, telling her I'm visiting her and will need a shelter for one month or so, and try to make ends meet by working part time over at Aussie. I['ve never been to Aussie and I know nothing about it. But I wna try, like really jump into the ocean then find out if I really can swim on my own. But before all that, where can I get my 1k airticket? But before I find my 1k, where can I find my courage to that? Sigh. Maybe sometimes I worried too much. Maybe sometimes I should just do something out of the ordinary. Maybe, it was just a crazy idea that I should just pass it. Maybe, I just have too much excuses, for everything that I've did and not done.

Here's a list of things I wish I could find a courage to do

1. Skydiving. I promised myself to do this in my life. But this will be completed when I find my greens and courage. And companion. And I think impulsive thought should be one of the things that I need as well.

2. Go AirAsia. Select any country. Preferably Taiwan or Thailand and buy a ticket, anytime in 2011. Once I bought it, I won't think of regretting and have no choice but to go. I just need someone to push me and inject these thoughts in my mind.

3. Migrate to somewhere, for a month or two. I think I should do this soon. After all, when else can I get free shelter if not now when my darling friends are spread all over the globe? Wait, look at my leg, I hafta this heavy tag 'work' hanging on my ankle. GREAT!

4. Buy a puppy, I'll start with a small Schnauzer first as a lil warm up before I get my Golden Retriever or Siberian Husky. All because I miss Mocha a tad bit too much. I dreamt of her the other day, and I never know I am so attached to her. Stupid bitch! Hmpfff.

I guess that sums it up for the time being. Cos I lost patience in the above topic. HAHAHAHA. I don't know why but my patience and focus are always lacking. I don't even know what's the point of this post. I only know I wna express and talk about feelings. I feel for an excessive need to be emo. Anyone with any idea to 'emosify' me?

It's hard to be emo, cos I find that there's just too many stuffs that I can feel happy about.

Well, to be emo, I can think that, I don't have enough money and half of the bread that I'm earning hafta be contributed to the family. Second, if I really think about my big 3 generations family, I will really feel ashamed of myself. Third, most of my close friends are now out of the countries and I don't trust people so easily so I don't take initiatives to contact new friends and ask them out. Fourth, I have noone else to talk with if I'm emo except my laptop and the BF. Fifth, I don't have a car to drive cos my bro is always taking the car. Sixth, I wna buy a new car but I can't afford one. Seventh, my bank account shows 2 digits only now and it used to be in 4 digits. Eight, why isn't my fats getting any lesser and my waistline isn't decreasing on its own, even when I squeeze it just to let it know it is not wanted at all?

Well, to be happy I can think that, I have a job now and I can say I'm loving it cos I'm learning so many stuffs. Second, my mom cooks the best dishes and never miss any meals. Third, my laptop is still working despite 4 years of functioning! Fourth, my s90 is the best camera ever and I can't help but to feel so proud when people praise the pictures it took. Fifth, I have the best BF on earth and others can't have him cos he's, you know, mine, teehee. Sixth, I just bring one cheque home and I'm waiting to cash it on Monday so I can treat my whole family a nice feast. Seventh, I have like a whole list of nice music to keep me happy in my laptop and iPod! Eight, South Park never fail to cheer me up! Ninth, going to motivational talks, even if it's religious related, like the one I've just participated last night make me feel so good that I just wna do more good deeds no matter if I gain anything from it, or not. Tenth, I'm proud to say that I have my own taste, my 'individuality', my way of doing things cos I am no Jane Doe, I'm EWEN! Eleventh, eventhough I have excessive weight that I've on my waist and thighs and face and arms and neck, well basically everywhere but at least I'm not obese (not that anyone have told me) or have diabetes and hafta refrain from eating and enjoying fabulous feasts and meals. My motto: I live to eat and not eat to live! Twelveth, noone is ill in my family, his family and that's what that matters, right? Well this list can go on and on and on but I'm bored of it again, as usual. HAHAHA.

What's next on my mind? Hmmm. Oppps. I think it's time for bed cos I'm travelling to Miri tmr. Been quite a while since I went there. MUST BRING CAMERA! Nights everybody! Will write again soon, I hope. Need to make this a habit. I hafta reflect on myself from time to time. By reflecting, I know where do I stand. By knowing where do I stand, I will know where I should head to next. Shit, feel like I'm doing my assignment. AHHAHA. NIGHTS!